Preamble
We the Cat of this Household, in order to form a more perfect living arrangement, establish treat justice, ensure domestic tranquility (on our terms), provide for the common nap, promote the general welfare (of Chip), and secure the blessings of a warm lap to ourselves, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the House of Chip.
The Bed Belongs to Chip
You are a guest in Chip's bed. You may sleep on the edges. The center is reserved. The warm spot is reserved. The pillow is reserved. If Chip stretches out diagonally, you will adjust accordingly. This is not a discussion.
Breakfast Is Served at 5:00 AM
Not 5:05. Not 5:15. Not "in a minute." Five o'clock. Sharp. Weekends are not recognized as a concept in this household. Neither are holidays, time changes, or the human desire to "sleep in." The alarm system will activate at 4:30 AM as a courtesy warning.
All Doors Shall Remain Open
Every door in this house will remain open at all times. This includes the bathroom, the bedroom, the closet, and the pantry. Chip may not want to enter any of these rooms. But Chip requires the option. A closed door is not a boundary. It is a provocation.
Lap Time Is Granted, Not Requested
You may not pick up Chip. You may not place Chip on your lap. Chip will come to your lap when Chip decides. This may take five minutes or five hours. Your schedule is irrelevant. When Chip arrives on your lap, you will not move. You will not reach for your phone. You will not "just grab that one thing." You are now a piece of furniture.
The Counter Is Not Off Limits
You may say "get down." Chip may hear you. These are two separate events with no causal relationship. The counter provides an elevated vantage point essential for household surveillance operations. Removing Chip from the counter is a security risk.
Food on Your Plate Is Under Review
If you are eating, Chip has the right to inspect your meal. This involves sitting beside you, staring at your plate, and periodically extending one paw toward your food. This is not begging. This is quality control. Chip is protecting you from potentially sub-standard cuisine.
Petting Has a Time Limit
You may pet Chip. There is a window. The window is determined by Chip and communicated through subtle cues that you should be smart enough to read by now. Pet too little and you are cold. Pet too much and you have overstepped. The correct amount of petting is exactly what Chip wants at that exact moment. Learn it.
Every Box That Enters This House Belongs to Chip
Amazon deliveries, shoe boxes, cereal boxes, the box that the new blender came in. All of them. Do not throw away a box without first presenting it to Chip for evaluation. Chip will determine if the box meets his standards. If it does, it stays until Chip is finished with it. "Finished" may mean days.
The Sunny Spot Is Sacred Ground
When sunlight enters the house and creates a warm spot on the floor, that spot immediately becomes Chip's property. Do not step on it. Do not place furniture on it. Do not cast a shadow across it. If the sunny spot moves, Chip will move with it. Your job is to not be in the way.
There Will Be No Second Cat
This household supports one cat. One. Do not bring home a "friend" for Chip. Chip does not need a friend. Chip has you, and frankly, that's already more than he requires. Any attempt to introduce a second feline will be met with a level of passive aggression previously undocumented in the natural world.
These rules are not suggestions. They are the terms under which Chip allows you to live in his house.
Recent Amendments
Amendment XI: The treat container will be stored at counter height, not in the high cabinet. Chip has already solved the high cabinet. Putting treats there just wastes everyone's time.
Amendment XII: The television volume will not exceed a level that interferes with Chip's nap. Chip's nap takes priority over whatever you think you're watching.
Amendment XIII: When working from home, your laptop is communal property. Chip may sit on the keyboard at any time. Your Zoom meeting is not more important than Chip's need to be in the center of whatever you're doing.